The Declaration of Jawn Jitsu

We hold these Jawn’s to be self-evident, that all men and women were created under the influence of Yuengling. With these Jawn’s each Bul has the right to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Submission’s. That to secure a Heel Hooks, no former high school wrestler, deriving their just powers from the consent of the Leg Locks.That whenever any Form of a spazzy uncontrollable White Belt of lesser intelligence becomes destructive on the mats, it is the obligation of Jawn Jitsu to abolish it. Laying its foundation on an Amoroso Roll, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that guards long established should not be passed for light and transient reasons, especially by some young bul who watched half a YouTube video and now believes himself the Benjamin Franklin of berimbolos. We have suffered shoulder pressure, questionable gym playlists, and instruction that began with “real quick” and lasted longer than waiting for SEPTA. Yet we endured, for the promise of one more round and a roast pork with sharp provolone.

But when a long train of abuses arrives more reliably than the Market–Frankford Line, it is our right, it is our duty, to declare independence from tyranny on the mats. No taxation without representation. No submission without a proper tap. And no claiming you “weren’t really trying” after getting folded like a Wawa hoagie wrapper.

To provide new guards for our future security, we shall establish closed guard, half guard, and whatever guard our knees still permit. We shall defend our space with frames, not a lawn chair or a traffic cone. Let it be known that “Jawn and Order” shall prevail, and that the right to bear armbars shall not be infringed.

The history of the self-appointed King of the Mats is a history of repeated injuries to our patience, all having the direct object of making open mat feel like rush hour on the Schuylkill. To prove this, let the following grievances be submitted to a candid world:

He hath declared “let’s go light,” then launched a takedown with the force of an Eagles fan climbing a greased pole.

He hath seized our collars as though they were the last soft pretzel at the tailgate, while offering no plan whatsoever for what to do next.

He hath parked himself in side control longer than a double-parked car on South Broad, with his hazards on and absolutely no intention of moving.

He hath called every submission a “crank,” every sweep “lucky,” and every defeat a consequence of an old injury that mysteriously appeared at the exact moment of the tap.

He hath refused to release a grip despite three taps, two verbal warnings, and a clearly articulated “Yo, bul!” Let the record show: the Liberty Bell already has a crack. We do not need one in your elbow.

We, therefore, the good jawns of Jawn Jitsu, assembled between rounds and held together by athletic tape, do solemnly declare these mats free and independent. We pledge to respect the tap, mop the mats, wash the Gis, and settle disputes through technique—except the argument over the best cheesesteak, which shall remain unresolved until the end of time.

And for the support of this Declaration, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and the one good knee we have left.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of the Tap.

Signed in Philadelphia. Ratified by fist bump. Go Birds.